My Workout Starts Tomorrow


My workout starts tomorrow – I swear.

Why are some things so incredibly hard to start? After extensive interviews and painstaking research with two of my closest friends, oh, and my mom, it seems that diets, the implementation of new year’s resolutions and working-out rank as the top three activities that are by far the hardest to start. I recently (recently being 6 months ago) joined CRUNCH and have yet to go once. The following are a couple of do’s and don’ts to keep in mind when trying to get started working-out. Put that Twix bar down for a second and read through them.


1) Do go out and buy that entire NIKE outfit with the matching socks, headband, wristbands, shorts, t-shirt and sweatshirt. This is the first step of denial. You will think that because you’ve bought all of these things that you will now want to go to the gym. Do not be fooled by this misconception. Actually wearing these items will take another six to eight months. Wearing them and working out? Another four to five months.

2) Do repeatedly tell yourself “I’m starting tomorrow.” The key to this phrase is enthusiastic repetition and sporadically placing Post-Its around your room stating “YOUR WORK-OUT BEGINS TODAY.” Please keep in mind that the whole Post-It ordeal will only burden you with having to move the Post-It on to the next day, every day, for a minimum of 17 days (i.e. until its sticky side is old and you have to write it on a new one).

3) Convincing yourself that you need seven work-out outfits just IN CASE you want to go every day of the week is a must. At least cutting off the price tags will make you feel like you’re actually doing something. Although the most exercise you’ll be getting is bending down and picking up one that has made its way under your bed. Recovery time needed: Three days.

4) Do go all out and insist on buying non-fat milk, all bran cereals and tofu mixes. Make sure the Chinese take-out menu is nearby because chances are this new diet regimen will last exactly 12 hours- If you’re lucky.

5) Do spend at least an extra $35 on special and “necessary” aerobic DVD’s entitled “Get that flat stomach in a matter of hours”. Yes, you will need all series one to eight. Go looking for a DVD machine to buy next week.

6) Do pretend to know the difference between Tae Bo and jujitsu as well as all the names of your muscles. 7) Do reward yourself for taking the initiative to buy work-out outfits and take note of the fact that you’ve gained 10 pounds. This does deserve a serving of coldstone factory ice cream. What the hell, you’ve had a hard day of shopping – go for two.


1) Do not expect to break out in a sweat from anything but carrying your shopping bags home from Sports Town for at least 10 weeks.

2) Do not expect to see the inside of a gym for at least another 10.

3) Do not go shopping for “work-out gear” with someone who actually goes to the gym. Gym go-ers and non-gym go-ers have to stick to their own kind.

4) Do not even attempt to stretch for less than two hours. Your schedule should consist of one hour of actually getting dressed for the gym, two hours of stretching and chatting with a friend about how glad you are that you finally started and how much healthier you’re both going to start feeling after you run the two miles planned for the day. This is followed by an hour in the jacuzzi, another 45 minutes in the sauna and a quick shower before heading home and thinking, ”wow … I’m not even sore.”

5) Do not actually program any of the machines. They are simply there for you to lean on when having in-depth conversations about how great it is to FINALLY be at the gym.

6) Do not go to the gym with anyone who is actually planning on MOVING. Try not to sound too shocked when muttering: “Wait, you’re turning the treadmill on?” Bottom line: stop reading this article with that damn headband on and get yourself out the door and jogging already. Okay, after you finish that glazed donut.


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